On being Alone and Lonely
by talking-eye
Summary: A rendition of Owner of A Lonely Heart. Mostly BurkeCristina. Oneshot. Reviews and brownies are equally valued.


Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy or the characters below. They belong to ABC…

I love _Owner of a Lonely Heart_ so much that I want to have my own rendition of it.

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_Voice-over: Loneliness. Doctors study it, poets use it, and we, everyone of us, experience it. They say that you can be alone without feeling lonely, vice versa. _

Burke did not think he was lonely, because his girlfriend was moving in.

Cristina did not think she was lonely, because she never thought about loneliness.

_Voice-over: No matter how full your life is, how good you are feeling about it, at certain points in life, you'll feel left out, whether you are aware of it or not._

Moving in was a big step for Cristina. It would take a while before they would be at the same pace. Burke knew that, and he was giving her time to adjust. But when he saw her rushing out of the apartment, pouring coffee into her traveling mug without even looking at him or the huge breakfast he made, he felt left out. Left out of her face-paced, exciting world of surgeries that he was not sure if he had a place in, even when he was the top surgeon at Seattle Grace. How ironic.

"Bye." Burke was hoping for a lingering kiss but he did not even get a _bye_ from her.

_Voice-over: For people who have been alone most of their life, the expectation of not being alone anymore, when violated, could be a bigger let down than actually being alone._

Next time he would not make her breakfast.

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Cristina regretted that she left without touching the food Burke made. She was starving. But breakfast with Burke was an outlandish idea. Only married couples did that. They were a couple alright, but she had not had breakfast with anyone at home since she was 9. What was so wrong about spending the morning hours alone?

"Does anyone have any decent food?" Cristina liked her question. She loved it the most when her words got onto people's nerves.

"You should really eat breakfast."

She was hoping for a wittier response, but she could not have expected more from Bambi. He sounded just like Burke. Those two men could become best friends and share their breakfast moments together.

No, wait, thought Cristina. Even though she was not going to eat with Burke, she did not want anyone else to do that. Why couldn't he just eat alone?

Finishing her bag of chips, she wondered how it would feel to have someone to eat breakfast with every morning. Maybe it wasn't as bad as she thought?

"You sound just like Burke." Cristina shook her head and shut her locker. But at least he responded. Everyone else was so dead quiet this morning.

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"Yang, stop day dreaming. Don't you see how wrong it is that I am growing a person but I still walk faster than you?"

Bailey and Cristina rushed to the ambulance bay to wheel Constance Ferguson into the hospital.

That woman was crazy. Swallowing razor blades and laughing out loud like that? Cristina was fascinated. If it's her, she'd rather be spending time in solitude than cutting herself up that way. Or did she really?

_Voice-over: Sometimes, we make a fool of ourselves just because we want some attention._

"I'm not gonna hurt you. I only murdered three people and none of them were doctors."

_Very funny._ Cristina did not say that out loud, but her patient was more sharp-witted than she thought. She gulped.

"So, you swallowed the blades."

"Oh yea, Honey, do you wanna learn the trick? I can teach you later. It's simpler than shooting people. Hahahahaha…"

_I should not have tried talking to the crazy murderess._ Cristina did not like how the patient kept laughing at her own jokes.

_Voice-over: Sadly, attention is hard to come by when you most crave it. When the audience does not respond, the comedian can only laugh, at herself._

Cristina grabbed the files and fled.

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Cracking his neck, Burke was getting ready for the surgery. He hoped that little one was going to live. "Ready to go, people?"

"She's so tiny." Izzie exclaimed in her overly dramatic voice.

Behind them, Addison was folding her arms, observing. "How's she doing, Dr. Burke?"

When he saw her heart, he knew there was nothing he could do. "I'm closing up."

"But you didn't do anything." Izzie plea almost sounded unrelenting. "We barely started!"

_Voice-over: Doing something doesn't mean you'd get what you want. _

Burke wanted to tell someone he was not enjoying his day. He wanted to tell Izzie Stevens it wasn't her decision, nor was it his, that the little girl had to die. He wanted to tell someone that he wanted a girlfriend who would spend the morning with him and he wanted the baby girl on the table to live, but he got neither.

_Voice-over: So, what's the point of trying at all?_

"Dr. Burke has done as much as he can do for now."

Addison's words were an inspiration. He was grateful someone understood. She was right. He had done as much as he could. The rest was not up to him.

Pulling off his surgical cap and his latex gloves, Burke walked out of the OR. It was sad losing his fragile patient. He wanted her siblings to know. Siblings who would soon be sending Emily off to the other world.

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_Voice-over: We think the other side is lonely, but if it really is, why do lonely people on this side of the world try so hard to get there?_

"Mint chocolate chip ice-cream." Not the sort of greetings one would normally get from a patient, thought Cristina.

"You are not allowed to eat."

"But I swallowed four razor blades."

"Exactly. That's why you can't eat." Cristina continued, "you almost killed yourself."

"So what? Find me a reason to live. Fetch me some ice-cream!"

Cristina put her hand on her forehead and left, speechless. Then, when she reached the ICU where the quints were, she became motionless.

"Why are you standing here?" Burke was tired. He did not want to talk to Cristina, but she was blocking his way.

"Shhhhh…" Pulling Burke aside, Cristina whispered, "I've to talk to Bailey, but she's cooing the baby."

"OK." Burke tried to walk away.

"Hey!" Why was he avoiding her?

_Voice-over: Perhaps, when we think about it logically, most things don't make sense. _

"Are you mad at me?" She tiptoed out of the room, trying to catch Burke before he was gone.

"No." _No, I just don't want to talk to you now._

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

Cristina hated that. She'd rather have him glow in rage than leaving her in the dark. She did not realize she wanted him to open up to her as much as he wanted her to him.

_Voice-over: When we try to make sense of it, we realize we've been shunned off the intimate world we shared with someone. _

Cristina walked back into the room.

"Hem…" Interrupted by Cristina's arrival, Bailey looked up. The affectionate baby-talk with Julie broke off in a snap.

"What's it, Yang?"

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Constance scoffed at the two doctors. "What's the big deal?"

"You swallowed 4 blades this time. That's the big deal." Cristina tried to stay calm.

"Thought it'd buy me an extra day."

Buying an extra day of what? It was not as if people would really talk to her in the hospital. Cristina thought it was completely ridiculous.

"Unbelievable. Who would do this to themselves?" Taking the blades out one by one, Cristina exclaimed.

"It's solitary confinement, Yang. Try to have no one to make your snarky comments to for a good solid month. My guess is you'd swallow the entire razor."

_Voice-over: Nobody is fearless towards loneliness. That is, when you finally reckon you're afraid of it, like everyone else. _

Bailey's words sent Cristina's mind whirling. She was smart and funny. People always responded to her remarks. She had taken that for granted. She would not go derailed if nobody talked to her, because that just couldn't happen. Not when she was Cristina Yang.

"You'll be fine. We'll discharge you in a few days." Cristina' felt weak in front of her patient when the surgery was over, but she couldn't tell why.

"Don't' leave." Constance was begging. "I thought I'd have a roommate. Somebody to talk to."

Small talk was not Cristina's expertise. The minute the words flew out of her mouth Cristina knew they were wrong. "Okay. Why'd you kill 3 people?"

Cristina let Constance finish her story about her screwed up boyfriend and a few other things. _Time to practise my listening skills. Keep nodding. Good job._

_Voice-over: We think lending our ears is enough._

"He was all I had. I would've been all alone." The sentence was tinted with remorse, unlike her earlier upbeat style. It made Cristina defensive. Why did people have to talk about being alone all the time?

"Clearly being alone has its benefits." Cristina marched off, leaving her patient hugging the pillow, looking miserable.

_Voice-over: But it is the response that counts. _

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Burke was lying in bed in the on-call room. His shoulders were stiff after all the surgeries. Probably from all the whisking when he prepared the pancake for breakfast as well.

It was another kind of exhaustion that was actually hitting him, however. He heard the doorknob click, and he knew from the scent who it was. Pretending to be asleep, he did not move an inch.

"Burke?" Cristina called out his name in a cat's voice. "Are you sleeping?"

The air conditioner continued its gentle hum.

"D'you want to have dinner together?"

Dead silence.

_I won't let her win so easily._ Burke was determined.

It was nerve-wrecking. Two people in the room, two people in love, but only one talking. Cristina gave up and left.

_Voice-over: … Or the lack of it._

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Sitting at the table eating dinner, Izzie was going hysterical about her doomed relationship with Alex again. All Cristina wanted was some peace of mind but there Izzie kept kicking and screaming.

"I'm having a moment here! Don't mess with me!"

There was enough on her mind. Cristina couldn't stand Izzie, not yesterday, not today, never.

Trying to come up with something malicious to stop the blonde girl from talking, Cristina faked a serious face and asked, "You're not gonna have a nervous breakdown and kill yourself are you?"

"No."

"So there's no chance you'll kill us?" She was trying to sound funny, but Izzie apparently did not get the joke.

That immediately sent away Izzie storming.

Only George was left. Lucky for Cristina that George was there.

"That was wrong on so many levels." Bambi was trying to hold his laugh.

Her eyes twinkling, Cristina replied, "So good."

"Yeah, that was … that was good."

"It was good. It was good." They both let out a hearty laugh.

It felt so good to be making fun of others when there was an accomplice. Then Cristina's palms began to sweat.

_What if, what if nobody was there to share the fun? _Blood drained from her face. She began to understand Constance, Burke…Maybe herself as well.

_Voice-over: Sometimes, you don't know you treasure something until it begins to slip._

"D, it's the murderess."

Cristina sprang up and ran for Constance's room.

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"My god, she swallowed a light bulb."

_She can't die. If Constance dies, I'll be the murderess. I killed her with my words._ Cristina shouldn't have told her being alone would do her more good.

"We're losing her."

No. She was not giving up. Cristina wanted to make up for it. Constance had to live.

"I need some help."

_Voice-Over: Fortunately, we're never alone for too long. Someone always comes to our rescue._

Burke walked in and checked up on Constance. "Cristina, she'll be OKAY."

He was calling her Cristina. Not Dr. Yang but Cristina.

"Come on, Come on, come on." He repeated the phrase 3 times, as if he was soothing a crying child.

Still looking dazed, Cristina followed. It felt good to have someone to follow.

"I think we might need a psych. consult.," Putting his cap back on, he talked facing the mirror as they scrubbed in together. Then he turned to face Cristina.

"Is she going to live?" There was something very tender in Cristina's expression that made Burke soften up a little.

"Of course."

"Good." Cristina sighed with relief.

Burke wondered why Cristina cared so much about the patient. In a genuinely concerned manner.

"How many days will it take for her wound to heal?"

"We could observe her for 10 days. Let her know after the surgery."

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"Maybe just to be on the safe side we'll make it 2 weeks." Cristina walked closer to Constance's bed and smiled.

_Voice-over: Small acts of kindness make use feel good. It's the reciprocity, the feeling of not being alone in this enormous world that keeps us sane._

That night, Cristina stayed in the hospital till dawn. She saw Meredith's hand delicately placed on top of the two tiny lives in the incubator. She saw Izzie falling asleep in front of the empty incubator. Emily was gone. She saw Alex walking in and out of the ICU, checking on Izzie. Above all, she saw a peaceful smile on Constance's face when she held her hand.

She, Cristina Yang, the one who tore up the phone numbers of other interns on the first day of her internship, was gradually learning to feel hungry for human contact.

Looking out at the beautiful skyline of Seattle's morning, Cristina steadied herself on her motorbike and hurried home.

Opening the door, she saw Burke sitting eating breakfast alone.

She did not care if he was still mad at her or not. Without a single utterance, she took a slice of his toast and had a greedy bite of it.

He looked at her in slight confusion, then smiled down at his omlette.

Finishing the toast, she walked behind him and began messaging his neck, "Will you make me breakfast tomorrow?"

_Voice-Over: At the end of the day, it is the giving and sharing that we crave._

-THE END-


End file.
